Decisions Decisions

Warning: This is a long, wordy, journal purpose post. Proceed with caution and only if you're really bored. This weekend I was faced with a big decision. If you know me well, or even just a little, you know that I love to always have a trip planned and I never turn down the opportunity to go somewhere new. Summer 2012 was hands down the best 3 months of my life. I had the amazing opportunity to serve on a Navy hospital ship in Southeast Asia. I met so many wonderful people not only in the 3rd world countries we visited, but in the military branches from around the world. A year ago, I was giddy about going. My life was up in the air. Would I have a job to come back to? Would I be okay without 3 months of income? What do I do with my apartment? My car? These among other questions were in my mind, but I didn't care. I felt so good about the situation. I didn't have answers to the questions, but I knew it would be okay. I felt so at peace. So confident. Fast forward a year, it's time to apply for this trip again. I was considering a 7 1/2 week stint in Central and South America. I don't know how to explain how I felt, but it certainly wasn't the peace that I had felt before. I applied anyway knowing that I would regret passing up the opportunity of buying myself some more time to think about it. On Saturday afternoon, I received the email that I had been accepted to the countries I wanted and to the unit of the hospital that I desired. It was perfect. Or it should've been. That uneasiness was still playing around in my mind. I couldn't believe it. Why? I, Aubrey NEVER would turn down something like this! What was happening to me? Before I left last summer, I was told that I would be blessed significantly for my service and sacrifice. I remember being excited to find out what this blessing would entail. Would it be a sudden improvement in my crappy dating life? Would a sailor swoon me? The moment I landed back in the states, I realized what my blessing was. My social life. I had become a recluse of sorts since my move to Utah County and hadn't made any kind of effort to develop a life outside of work and old (but good) friends. My calendar became booked, my friend group quadrupled, and I was busy every single night. Shortly after, I moved in with an awesome roommate who I'm thankful every day for knowing. It would be an understatement to say that my life is 100x better than a year ago, and I am so very grateful. So why, if these are the blessings that come from service on a ship, would I not be jumping at the chance to do it again? My mind was telling me to go, but I couldn't ignore what the spirit was telling my heart. I asked my family and a close friend to pray for me that I would make the right decision. That next day in church, the lesson was on personal revelation. Perfect right? No. As hard as I tried to get something new from the teacher and the comments, nothing came to me. I had fasted for myself and my family had too. Why was I not receiving any answers? That evening, I was looking over a scripture verse I had marked in class trying to see if I had missed anything. There, in the verse below it, was my answer. Or rather a confirmation of my answer. D&C 9:8 (marked verse)- But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. This is where I got hung up. This opportunity was righteous, so why would I not feel that burning? Verse 9: But if it shall not be right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong....Boom. That's what I needed. My uneasiness that I had been having for 2 months was the stupor. I emailed in my offer decline and immediately felt lighter. I don't know why I'm supposed to stay here this summer. Is it to continue to take advantage of huge blessing from last year? Is something bad or good going to happen? Ah! I hope I will see the answer someday, but if not, I know that I made the right decision for me.